Emotions Are Not Emergencies

Assuming their basic needs are met, children are naturally emotionally regulated by their environment. But life happens—stress and challenges arise (e.g., loss, transgression, upcoming challenge) —and kids will feel emotions! It’s normal to feel when life hits, and it’s equally normal to feel even when there’s no identifiable cause. Emotions are processed in unconscious parts of the brain, and they’re a natural part of being human.

True emotional growth happens when children are allowed to ride through and experience their emotions, rather than escaping or quashing them as though they’re pathological or something to fear. The more kids fully feel their emotions, the more their emotional capacity grows. With greater capacity, they’ll naturally become more regulated within that expanded capacity.

When working with professionals or healthcare providers, watch their language. Words like “self-regulation,” “coping,” and “calming” often reflect approaches aimed at helping kids reactively calm down. Many of my patients have been harmed by such methods, and they don’t improve until they internalize a healthier message about emotions - until they embrace existential realities and honor their humanity.

Instead of focusing on reactive coping strategies, we can support kids by proactively addressing foundational needs—sleep, nutrition, exercise, learning needs, nurturance, and opportunities for stress-related growth. These proactive lifestyle approaches are far more effective at “regulating” the system than reactive, fear-driven methods.

Let’s stop treating childhood emotions as psychiatric emergencies. Emotions aren’t something to fear. We don’t need a safety plan for feelings. When needs are met, children (and adults!) can feel deeply and still thrive in this world.

Let’s redefine the narrative by emphasizing proactive support! And when kids’ emotions surface, the way adults respond matters deeply. Nonverbal cues that convey confidence in children’s emotional strength and capacity can make a profound difference. This approach is shaped not only by the actions adults take but equally by the restraint they exercise in moments that call for trust and patience.

Ledoux, J. (1998). The Emotional Brain: The Mysterious Underpinnings of Emotional Life. Simon & Schuster.

Oshri, A., Cui Z, Carvalho C, Liu S. Is perceived stress linked to enhanced cognitive functioning and reduced risk for psychopathology? Testing the hormesis hypothesis. Psychiatry Res. 2022 Aug;314:114644. doi: 10.1016/j.psychres.2022.114644. Epub 2022 May 20. PMID: 35772214.

Schweizer, S., Walsh, N. D., Stretton, J., Dunn, V. J., Goodyer, I. M., & Dalgleish, T. (2016). Enhanced emotion regulation capacity and its neural substrates in those exposed to moderate childhood adversity. Social cognitive and affective neuroscience, 11(2), 272–281. https://doi.org/10.1093/scan/nsv109